It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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