Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
