forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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