Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Randomize
