We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Randomize
