we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
