I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
