So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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