i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
