Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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