I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
