Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
