just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
