I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
