she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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