she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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