youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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