You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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