Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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