My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
As shirtless as possible
your like the ambassador to my penis.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
