your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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