Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
