What did we do last night that was yellow?
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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