Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
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