If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Randomize
