someone get that fucking seahorse.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
