yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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