I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
