My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
