I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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