she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Randomize
