We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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