she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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