i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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