I could make wine with my vomit
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
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