Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
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