Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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