Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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