oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
