I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Randomize
