Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
