She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
