i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
