And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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