everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Too much gin, very little bucket
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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