Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
