when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
