Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
