dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
