why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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