I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
No subtext here. People are naked.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
